I've Confessed The Bitterness But My Heart Still Hurts

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,  bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Col. 3:12-14 (ESV)

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Eph. 4:32 (NASB)

In these two passages, Paul issued forth quite a tall order.  Forgive just as God forgives us. Continue to treat others with kindness, humility, patience, etc. These are commands dealing with how we as Christians should treat each other.  Those two passages have often convicted me of harboring bitterness and withholding forgiveness.  I have been on a journey of about 5 years of learning what forgiveness really is.  What does it really look like?

I find it easy to let go of and forgive strangers who cut in front of me on the interstate or even a simple aquatint who makes a rude comment. But the real trial has come when people I deeply care about have said or done things that rip my heart out and wound me to the core.  I've spent countless hours pouring out my heartache to others, including my husband, only to come to the realization that I’d never receive an apology.  I’d never hear “I’m sorry I hurt you; I was being thoughtless.”

I've read several books addressing the topic of forgiveness, been convicted shamefully that I often fell back into bitterness and came to the conclusion that this command was one I just couldn't obey in my own strength.

I’d confess my bitterness, I’d ask God to change my heart yet still the ripped open wound of my heart just would not heal.  The sadness and emptiness of these relationships burdened my heart...until recently. It’s only been in the past month that true forgiveness and healing has taken place.  And just so you’ll know, there have still been no apologies.  So what changed?  

James 5:16 (NASB95)

¹⁶ Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

I began asking for prayers for healing of relationships.  I confessed to some trusted friends the rift in my relationships and how it grieved me. When I began to solicit the prayers of others on my behalf, changes began to take place.

I began to mature and come to the realization that I’d have to meet the other party where they were, not where I thought they should be.  That is with God’s help, my expectations changed as to what our relationship was going to look like.  I had to let go of expecting more maturity than was there. 

But the most significant changes took place due to God’s magnificent grace. Prayer changes things.  God supernaturally brought about circumstances that opened the door for mutual need of each other and common ground for conversation and fellowship.  The more I really needed them in my life, the greater the healing became.  So what did supernatural forgiveness look like?  God poured out in my heart a love and appreciation for the other individuals involved that was not of my own.  I have been able to give love without the hurts of the past even crossing my mind.  There is no other explanation for this kind of forgiveness other than the prayers of others and God’s miraculous changing power.

I know in some broken relationships, reconciliation never takes place.  However, in my case I’ve been blessed that God, prompted by the prayers of others for me, made changes in my heart as well as in the hearts of the other people.  He used the fact that I needed them and expressed that need in humility to bring about changes in the hearts of the others.   In addition to confessing to God my bitterness and repenting of it, I needed the prayers of others who didn't condemn and I needed God supernatural interventions. 

Referring back to the scriptural commands to forgive, I want to add that the commands to confess to one another and pray for one another go hand in hand with forgiveness. (and any other sin one may be struggling to find victory over) In the relationships that are dearest to us, the hurt can go so deep that we just don’t have the strength to completely forgive. We need outside help. Some earthly relationships won’t be reconciled but that doesn’t mean your heart can’t be healed and forgiveness granted.   “You have not because you ask not”. Ask God and ask for prayers from others repeatedly until the forgiveness takes root and blooms in your heart.